Allowing yourself to be seen

Allowing yourself to be seen


Something I had to gently learn and allow over time. Deep on the inside I had this voice telling me ‘something is wrong with me’.  ‘ I am different’, ‘I am not good enough’. It is still there sometimes, and I have learned over the years to gently soften this voice.

As children, we internalise our experiences and critical voices of our primary caregivers. This forms the basis of our attachment style in adulthood. If we grew up in a household where it was not ‘safe’ to truly express ourselves, where we had to stay under the radar, in order to be safe and to ‘survive’ then we will become very good at ‘hiding’ our true authentic self, people pleasing, weak boundaries out of fear of abandonment. When we enter relationships in adult life (not only romantic ones but also friendships, work, and our day-to-day interactions with others) these critical voices start to become louder for many. If there is a voice inside your head telling you ‘ You are not good enough’, then you will not feel safe to be truly seen by another person.

This leads to a disconnect from the authentic self. It doesn’t feel safe to be seen. And therefore, we dissociate and disconnect. However, our heart craves warmth and real connection.

A lot of the work I do with my clients is to help shift these patterns and perceptions. It’s not easy. it is really hard work. In order for us to transform and really shift towards positive, warm and respectful relationships we do have to feel the pain and allow it to be there. Remember these ingrained patterns are so deep it takes time and patience to build new ways of perceiving the world. You will get there. Over time. And you will be able to find and feel your true self again. And once you find it, glimpses of it something will shift. You’ll have clarity and a sense of deep inner knowing. You’ll open yourself up to new and different kind of relational experiences and allow yourself to be really seen. You’ll realise that all these voices, and negative thoughts are not your true self.

So how can we allow us to be seen? The easiest way to start is to create daily ‘mini human to human connections or sparks‘ I call them. Real moments of connection where the eyes lock for a few moments. When you order your coffee, or your meal in a restaurant. Be there. Look them into the eyes and show up 100%. Be completely present and see that person and also allow yourself to be seen. Notice if the immediate reaction is to go and ‘hide’ or tune out. Wake up from that. Be there. See the other soul.

It is helpful to practice this with our day-to-day relational encounters, the barista or the person that passes by.  Meet each other in that moment and your brain will experience over time that it is safe to be seen. New neuro pathways and circuits will build and suddenly you start to build this social network for real human connections. Once that feels safe you can apply that also in your friendships, or relationships.